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BelmontSoundTech
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Name: Chris
Country: United States
State: Tennessee
Metro: Nashville
Birthday: 5/17/1900
Gender: Male
Interests: Rock Wall Climbing, Sound Systems, Recording, Singing, Songwriting, Playing the Piano, Driving, Hanging out with friends, kyaking, canoeing, talking, drawing, designing, running, hiking, camping, fishing, archery, 4-wheeling, shooting, nintendo, swimming, mountain biking, family... etc...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Asstsounddude463
AIM:  ChrisShrom
Member Since:
4/15/2005
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| How life throws some curve balls at you sometimes. I find myself in quite the dilemma at this point in time, and oh the weirdness of it all is certainly throwing me for a loop and a half. Two weekends ago was Belmont's Country Music Showcase which featured some of the best Belmont Country acts such as, Courtney Blair, Eden's Edge, Parker Welling and Shae Ray. I got the privilege of designing and running the lighting rig during the show. I had a $3500 budget at my discretion which isn't a whole lot for a show, but still enough that I could do something with it. Throughout the day as we were loading in I kept swapping glances back and forth with a particularly cute girl on production staff. As the day progressed I slowly learned her name... and that was about it.
At the end of the day, after sound checks, everyone began going home after a 12 or 13 hour day of hard work. My work had just begun. Now don't get me wrong, all the heavy lifting was done. I had my three trusses, three half-ton motors, six one-ton motors, 12 750w source-four pars, 10 1000w pars, 2 bars of ACLS, 4 Mac 300's (moving light), 8 Mac 250's (another moving light) and enough cable to go around campus once in the air. The thing that I had to do now was the brains of the operation, the creative part that required me to sit down with my laptop, show music and a couple of sodas and program the show until the ungodly hours of the night.
As the cute production staff girl was going home she asked if I was leaving, I said that I would probably be there late. "By yourself?" she asked. I said that, yes, I would be there by myself, but that's perfectly fine, I was okay with it. She refused to let me be there late by myself so she went home, took a shower, came back bearing a pillow, and some hot chocolate. I programmed a majority of the show, but not all of it, until my creative juices dried up. Finally calling it quits at 2:30am we both parted ways and went to bed. Yes, she stayed with me til 2:30 in the morning. wow.
The next day was spent in the intense mode of pre-show. There were people going in and out, rehearsals, managers and artists making demands about lighting, when I wanted to tell them to shove their lighting ideas up their special places. If they wanted specific lighting, they should have been there at 2:00am when I was programming, not after the last run-through. I program, I don't run on the fly... deal with it.
When the show ended and tear down was complete. I was up in the catwalk raising the tails for the motors, and saw the cute production girl walking away from the arena. Surely she wouldn't leave without a number or anything right? Well, at that thought I quickly went to the assumption that I expect too much out of people and should expect to be disappointed. I climbed down out of the 50 foot high catwalk (via the elevator  ) and walked into the production room... she was still there talking with the producer and another one of the staff. Somehow I had her help me load my chair in my car... silly me, I didn't need help, I was just stalling for time while I got the balls to ask for her phone number. We ended up talking for a good half-hour after that, as we were leaving to go home, I asked if I could get her number, that I would like to talk more sometime. Interesting thing happened... she gave it to me. We parted ways and went home.
Long story short, my old roomie found her on facebook, and forwarded the link to me. I "friended" her and by the next day I had a wall post. We sent some messages back and forth over the next few days. After break things have really begun to get better. There hasn't been a day we haven't spoken. On days that I determined that I'm not gonna text her, for fear of attachment, she texts me, or messages me... or something. Its just cool. She was over at my place for a good 5 hours or so on Sunday, and I'm heading over to her place tonight...
now the curveball.
If you'll remember Emily Rose, or coffee as some would tend to call her, the girl that I pursued for over a year now. I gave up on her upon her dating my, now old roommate, JT. It was a big mental struggle for me, as I felt my two best friends growing away from me. It was really tough - like there are no words to describe how hard it was. Well, I found out on Tuesday that they had recently broken up, which means that suddenly, I don't have to move on. Or do I? Or Have I? I don't even know!
Production girl is cute, but a little rough around the edges, yet she's interested in me, and I am interested in her. Coffee is cute as well, but is everything that I would want in a significant other, but she's not interested in me, yet I am interested in her. I've been praying about coffee and I for the past year, I've even cried because I was so honored that God would think of the two of us as even possible... wether that is now true I am trying to figure out. I believe in prayer, and those were some of the most heartfelt prayers I have ever prayed. Everything is going as I've "predicted" minus the whole, me going crazy. I knew it'd be hard, but seriously, that was nigh unbearable. So now what do I do? Do I drop the girl that is definite for the one that isn't, for the one that I've been praying for so long? I'm just not sure as of this point in time. Coffee is going to need time - I don't want to fall into a rebound situation. Cute production girl can have some time as well, but she doesn't need it, I do at the advice of many people. This is a definite hard place to be, but it'll all work out in time. I'm really excited about my pseudo-unofficial-date tonight, and maybe it will lead into something more official, I don't know. Afraid that this is becoming a ramble of indefinite, inconsistent, incoherent thoughts and phrases, I'm going to go. Here's to hoping that this post doesn't get me in trouble... at least too much trouble...
-CS- | | |
| Satan has an interesting game plan. He uses tactics that would be beneficial to the army if they would research it. He fights on a battlefield that uses no weapons that can be physically guarded against. He uses strategies that causes his victims to attack themselves, to look upon themselves, place judgement unfairly, unjustly, and sentence themselves to a horrible punishment. Usually this punishment includes depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, self-mutilation of other sorts, becoming overly self-critical, and many, many other forms of self-destruction that causes the person to fall into a futile cycle that could claim their life, both in physical and emotional ways. Have you ever seen the movie "SAW?" The "killer" in this movie never actually did physical harm to the victims. What he did was take the victims and set them up to somehow mutilate themselves in order to get out of some dire situation. It's a gross movie, if you haven't seen it, don't. I'm convinced that this is how Satan works.
There have been instances recently that have caused me to turn on myself. To look at myself and use words such as "stupid", "unlovable", "ugly", "abandoned", "worthless" and "creepy." The worst part of it is that all of these insecurities are all based off an event of some-sort that is completely skewed and twisted to the point where lies have become (in my mind) truth. Often I am consumed by these lies that leave me desperate and lonely.
In my mind one of the worst diseases is Depression. Caused by an unbalance of some simple chemicals in the brain, it feeds off of itself, throwing its victim deeper and deeper into a cycle of pain and despair. Unfortunately, this particular disease is claiming more and more people every day and several years ago, it claimed me. I've been locked in a battle for myself that I refuse to lose.
The title of this post comes from a battle from this very morning, waking up, and being hit with all the lies that I fought my way through yesterday. There are three primary times I've found that we are prone to such lies, times when we are most weak:
1.) In the morning, before our internal defensive mechanisms have fully woken up, before we've spent any time with God, before the people we love have gotten a chance to say "I love you" or "good morning" and before we've gotten in the Word where truth can be found, we are weak, we are prone to Satan's attacks and can set the mood for a day filled with disaster.
2.) In Groups. This, in my opinion, I think is more personal. In some ways you'd think that you would be stronger in groups, but I think that is almost opposite. In group settings, you put on a different face, a mask per-say. You go to a party, or you hang out to have a good time, to be happy, and you want to forget your problems for a while. So you shove all the dirt under the carpet, you conform to what picture you want to be, taking on a character that you think would best suit a "happy, handsome, successful" you. When you become fake, ignoring the battle, you're bound to get hit, attacked. Upon you getting hit in the midst of a group, putting on a face, you're weak, when you've turned your back on Satan, pretending that he's not there, it allows him to go to town on you, hitting you repeatedly until you look upon yourself as nothing more than an insignificant mass, bound for failure, left all alone. - which is a lie.
3.) When you're tired. After a long day of fighting mentally and spiritually and even going through this physical world, we become very tired, very quickly in all aspects. At this point in the day we have no strength to fight off that lion (Satan) preying on our weakness. At this point in the day we are so tired, so weak, that we can't even fend off the lies. It doesn't take much for Satan to get to us, especially as we've been fighting so strong, so hard, for so long.
Now, I almost want to add a fourth. If I could, it'd be 4.) Any combination of the three. Simply enough, if one of the 3 times when we are most weak are combined with the lies, it allows our well-being to be even more compromised. To go more in-depth on this one is trivial, it doesn't take much to see how detrimental combining our weakest points can be.
Now that I've explained myself. I've been locked in a war. One moment I could be having the best day of my life, but in the next moment, sometimes as quickly as the blink of an eye, I could be in the very Valley of the Shadow of Death, Satan breathing down the back of my neck. I don't honestly understand my thought processes and I don't often think they are mine. These thought processes are seeds planted by the king of lies, of deceit. My mind, my inner voice, takes those lies, the seeds, and waters them with self-doubt and self-abuse and they grow and grow and grow. Pretty soon, the lie that began as a rogue thought is a full fledged battle.
Oh my God, how I need you. How I long to touch you, to see you. Speak to me Father, let me hear Your voice, tell me truth. I'm realizing more and more how human I am. I'm realizing that I cannot do this alone, I cannot fight Satan by myself. I need YOU. There is no physical way to fight battles on fronts that I cannot see, to hear you whisper truth when satan yells lies at me, when the world yells lies at me. God, I need you. I long to come home, to sit and rest by the still waters, to have a body cleansed by your spirit. I cannot imagine what life is like without the influence of sin. It has pierced every aspect of this earth. God, your most beautiful creation is tainted because of what we did, what we have done. I am surrounded by the enemy, darkness clouds my view, I cannot see you. I need you. I need you. Father, I NEED YOU, more than I needed you yesterday, more than I needed you last semester, more than I needed you two years ago. Now that I'm fighting, Satan grows angrier, his wrath is more than I can bear. Shield me, protect me, guard my mind, guard my thoughts and teach me, O God, teach me your will, your ways, your TRUTH! These are huge battles I am fighting, God, you are bigger, stronger, more powerful. You created Satan, You defeat him. Be with those who are trying best to follow you, be with my friends who are being attacked as well, God they love you. I love you. God, be a light in the midst of this darkness, show us the way, we will follow... AMEN.
Satan has an interesting battle plan but he has failed. Sin no longer has a hold on us. Satan has lost. Victory is ours because we can claim freedom in Christ. I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and I am NOT giving up. "in-your-face ass hole." And so concludes another day.
-CS-
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| So much has happened in the time that I haven't written. The Emily Rose situation has had a few interesting twists and turns. Things have gotten better in our friendship as we... I, determined that we would never ever date. She's since become probably one of my closest friends whom I can call pretty much whenever, and now not feel guilty or judged about it. A lot has happened within me because of the possibility of a relationship with her. Even though we never reached the point in actually dating, I feel that it has done me a lot of good in that I'm beginning to look at the people around me and say, "okay, if I were to love (person x) like Jesus would want me to, what would I do..." This question opens up a realm of things mostly dealing with the care and attention to those around me. When I can care about someone, do something for someone to build them up and draw them closer to God, that's my ministry.
I am also proud to say that I've saved at least 1 life this week. Red Cross says 3, I'm happy that I made a difference to someone out there. I have a unique gift that I can give. I am an O- blood type and have the potential to give blood to any person. I'm in great shape, the red cross loves my blood, and I don't get sick while donating, perfect. Its kind of wierd to think that this week, someone is going to live... because of me.
Then, there's this girl. I wish it were so simple. If I didn't have so many stinkin bars, so many hurdles, maybe, this wouldn't be such a hard decision for me. I like being around her, she likes being around me, she likes tickling me, and making fun of me, its kinda cute at times, and its nice to be flirting again. I'm fearful though that this is being born of hurt, and looking for something to grab onto in a time when nothing seems certain. I could be getting myself into trouble... and very quickly. | | |
| Its lunch time and as many days of this summer, I find myself sitting alone in a corner somewhere allowing my mind to race over the events of late. Usually the solitude is welcomed, its nice to have a quiet moment. Recently though, as I am beginning to deal with some pretty strong issues, the silence is haunting. When I can hear my mind so vividly running through scenario after scenario, usually going with worst-case which puts me into a bad mood. My roommate notes me as being really pessimistic and I agree, mostly because its my job to be pessimistic. Looking for things to go wrong has saved my butt in many different situations - but in real life, worst-case scenario really never becomes a reality. I don't know. Sitting here by myself, observing the others around the caf, there aren't many groups of 1. I spot one other man here in the caf, quietly eating his lunch by himself and I can't help but wonder, is this my future? Am I supposed to be alone FOREVER? Forever is a long time. I had hope until it was shattered, now I sit here and I'm wondering, was it all real, or was it what was said the other night - "a mistake."
-CS- | | |
| When I heard the words "I love you" from an unexpected place, at first believing them was hard. As I got to know this person a little better things make me question in more and more, knowing our history. As this life is getting harder and as I become more and more of a shell, I need to remind myself of those words. Its amazing really, how whispering an "I love you" in the dark, putting yourself out there, with so much power, vulnerability, care, love, for another person can feel. Then contentment, and "the warm fuzzies" wash over you like a soft comforter in the middle of a cold night as your words were allowed to echo to dissipate into the void, unsure if they were heard, you hear an "I love you too" softly returned to your corner of the room.
If I've ever truly known love, I'd have to say I am in the midst of it. With this love though comes a battle that I never in my wildest dreams I thought I'd be able to fight. Being so unsure about the next day wether or not the words that my mind clings to are for real.
My feet continue to remain on the ground. If the above falls completely to Crap then I will survive it but if I truly make it through this fight, becomming the knight that I've been called, all the pain, all this fighting, these wounds, will truly be worth it. To think - a princess... wow.
Dispite all of this, I don't think I am ready for a relationship. Something is still missing. Funny how hard life gets in the absence of the Father. I need to get back into the Word. | | |
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